Snatched from the Jaws of Hell

Well, I have been back in Victoria for a week now, so I should probably explain how I got here...

I spent last Saturday crying on the phone to my mom instead of applying for jobs. My ability to focus on anything due to my living situation was shot to hell. My mom suggested I stay at the hostel in town until the end of the month while I figured things out and then maybe go back to live with Kim once the mother had actually moved out. I still ended up crying after the relief of that and I knew I had to come home instead. In a way, I knew all along but everyone tried to convince me to stick it out, but I know now my instincts are always right. My mom was supposed to visit me in Ottawa the day I moved to Calgary and I made her cancel. I've been wanting to be back in Victoria for quite a while now, even just as a place to recover after Stella Luna.

Anyways, I cancelled my $750 cheque that I wrote Kim for the deposit and half month's rent and wrote up a new one for $150 to cover the nights that I stayed there and a bit extra to compensate for their trouble in picking me up at the airport. I told Kim that I was going to the hostel for the rest of the month and everything seemed fine. But when I got back to the house, the mother had been in my room (Kim was out of town for the day) because the window that I'd left closed was now open and certain things of mine had been moved.

I packed up everything and booked my flight for the next morning. It was only supposed to be in lieu of the hostel initially, or at least until I figured out what I was doing but I made the mistake of finally being somewhat friendly with the mother--and  apparently way too honest with her--because it turned really bad really fast from that point on. I told the mother that I'd cancelled the cheque and was leaving a newer, smaller one and that I was going home to see my mom.

Now, I am a bit unclear on what Kim knew of what followed, but either way, it was by far one of the worst nights of my life. The troll of a mother (think a cross between Ms. Botz and Hans Moleman from The Simpsons) came down the hallway and told me that Kim had sent her a text message and that she had forwarded it to me and that I needed to read it right away. That should have been a red flag right there.: Kim had my phone number and could have just as easily texted me herself. In any case, the text didn't go through and so she doubled checked the number with me. The number she read/showed to me was not remotely close to any phone number I've ever personally had, but I later realized it is in fact the phone number of a place I used to work (the Greater Victoria Public Library). I gave her my number and she passed it on:

"She should be paying at least for the half month of $250 because she gave me no notice to get someone else. I want 25o cash now or she'll have to leave!"

I confirmed that she meant right now and said, "Fine, I'll call a cab." My flight was first thing in the morning and I'm no stranger to staying up all night in the airport, so I gathered what was left of my stuff to pack and was trying to get out (but carrying more than my weight of luggage and in four bags is not an easy task, especially not in a hurry). As I'm getting everything together, the mother comes down the hall again and yells that I need to leave now or that she's calling the cops. Understandably, this puts me in more of a panic than simply getting kicked out at eleven o'clock at night.

I continue to struggle my way down the hall, trying to make it all in one trip, and the old woman yells at me that: a) I owe them $250 cash (which I don't have and which most people would not have on their person); and b) that she wants both of my mother's numbers. I insist that they are getting nothing more out of me than the $150 cheque that I wrote that day and that my mother has nothing to do with any of it and I won't give her any number of hers. My head is completely spinning at this point and so I don't realize until hours later something else she has just spewed out at me: We already have one of them. And she did. She sent my mother a litany of text messages telling her twisted version of what had happened. She also later sent another text (once I'd already arrived in Victoria and was adamantly ignoring any text messages from the crazy woman), sounding very threatening and claiming that if the $750 cheque didn't go through that it was fraud. I never knew putting a stop payment or writing a NSF cheque was fraud, but she is clearly looney tunes.

I managed to get myself down the stairs and out the door. I was still struggling at this point because I had broken the handle on my new behemoth of a suitcase in trying to drag it down the stairs along with my duffel bag on top of it. The troll woman grabbed hold of the gimped handle and said that I wasn't leaving until I gave her the keys to the house. I told her I didn't have her keys and that they were in the bedroom on the night table. She threw the handle back at me and hissed "YOU STUPID BITCH!" as she slammed the door in my face.

I made my way to the curb, head still spinning, heart still pounding, muttering to myself "Never in all my life!" because I was just stunned, absolutely stunned. At that moment, before I even had a chance to call a cab, there was one on the street. I tried to flag him down even though he was obviously there to pick up someone else. I think he felt a bit sorry for me when he heard me plead that I just really needed him to take me to the airport. I know he was a guardian angel of sorts. He got me out of that hellhole and safely to the airport. I think he made me feel about as good as I could at that point and I wanted to give him a hug after all of that.

I spent my night in the airport on the phone because I couldn't be alone with my thoughts at that point and was feeling very paranoid after the threat of the police. It wasn't until I spoke with my friend Sarah, who has one of the cheeriest voices I know, that I started to feel better. She also pointed out that the cops being called is usually just an empty threat; they have much better things to do than listen to crazy old women and chase down people on their behalf.

Thankfully, by the time th sun came up, it all felt like a bad dream and before 10am I was safely back home with my mom. Exactly where I'm supposed to be.

New Beginnings and Mothers of Others

I was going to do a belated post about the birthday happenings of me and my Ottawa girls, but with the move it once again got pushed to the wayside. There are things more pressing on my mind at this moment.

I have arrived in Calgary and also had the requisite meltdown that accompanies moving/discovering a new place. After feeling very much like I wasn't sure I wanted to leave anymore in the days leading up to my departure, the actual leaving was surprisingly easy. Except for the night before when Jess gave me a very moving card, I didn't cry until after I'd been here for several hours and decided that I was extremely uncomfortable with everything.

It all started out fine, but even in the car on the way to the house I began to feel overwhelmed. I had a lot of information being thrown at me by both Kim and her mom, with whom I am currently living. I was extremely grateful that they picked me up at the airport, but their kindness and generosity just seemed a bit too much. I was overwhelmed with starting over to begin with, but then to have not one but two people fussing over me was just too much. It was productive only in that I had changed my phone number to a local one before I'd even seen where I would be living. Although, I feel like that is backwards and would have been fine having to fend for myself and find out where to deal with it all.

They seem to have a tendency to fuss over things and be helpful, but when all you want to do is be by yourself to process things, it is not the most helpful. The mother is especially bad about this and I have heard her talking about me when I was in my room (apparently she thought I was not home because they were both napping when I returned today) and fussing about how I am skin and bones and eating out. Well, it's not like I can cook or buy groceries with the state the kitchen is currently in. I took pictures yesterday because I thought it was so unbelievable. Thankfully, the dirty dishes have been washed and are no longer taking over every surface of the kitchen; the fridge, however, as far as I am aware still needs to be dealt with. 

With how I felt yesterday, I just wanted to go back home... to Ottawa. Jessica misses me and is now alone in the house for several days. I feel bad that I left right before this very lonely weekend for her. I did manage to regain my equillibrium and sense of purpose in being here yesterday by going for a walk and venturing back to the part of Calgary that I am familiar with: downtown. I remembered why I liked Calgary and why I thought I wanted to come here. So despite my less than ideal living situation at the moment, I am resolved to stick it out and find a job.

However, first I have had to deal with various errands of getting settled and properly oriented. By now I have changed my phone number, acquired a library card, and discovered (and applied for) that there is such a thing as a low-income bus pass here. No matter how much money I make in the coming year, I am guaranteed to only have to spend $40 per month on transit. I don't know if I've ever been so glad to be so poor.

My mom and friends, as always, have been extremely encouraging as I work through the growing pains of transitioning to a new life... yet again. But at least one thing I have learned so far is this: We were not meant to live with the mothers of others.

Reasons for Change

So my last post was really only the bare minimum of what has been going on these past few months. Prior to being fired (seriously, saying "let go" does not disguise the reality of the situation), I had been having a lot of frustration--both personally and work-related--that caused things to change drastically for me. 
The first part of it occurred after the first Stella Luna explosion, which sent me home in a terrible and depressive mood. I immediately went to bed and later stayed up half the night reading various things online, none of which were good. It just made me feel like being here was not what I wanted because I wanted to be as far away as possible from the dysfunctionally awful seat of power, both Canada's and the U.S. There are things about Ontario which strike me as too American and it made me desperate to return to lovely B.C. with the harmless hippies.
This episode also partially contributed to me rethinking my life plans yet again. With the way I feel about the way the world works and the inability, or rather indifference, of the government and UN to really do anything about the world's problems, I realized that I do not want to go into International Affairs. I feel like I would not be able to really affect the system and create change. I had wanted to go into that field thinking it would help me achieve my goals: to go to Africa and to make a difference in the world. However, there is no guarantee that this route would get me to Africa nor to make a positive impact if my hands are tied by bureaucracy.
Instead, I realized that my original plan for university, to get my teaching degree, is actually the best way to go. I can more or less choose where I want to go and also be able to influence the world, one classroom at a time. By the time I figured this out in late January, I had already missed the application deadline to start in September. I know I'm going back to Victoria to do this though because other schools would require that I start a five-year degree all over again, unlike UVic's Post-degree program which takes two years at maximum. At this point, I just need to work and save money for school and take on volunteering with youth in some capacity to better enable me to get into my program.
It might seem silly that I had to take such a long and meandering detour to figure this all out, but one of the reasons I didn't go right into the Post-degree program was because I knew that I was not ready to be a teacher yet. I felt I needed more life experience before I would feel comfortable taking on a life of teaching others. And life experience is exactly what I am getting out of this cross-Canada detour of mine. Even now, I feel better prepared than when I had just finished school; and my adventure isn't over yet.
All of this led somewhat to my volunteering at Operation Come Home. I had wanted to find somewhere to volunteer even while unhappily at Stella Luna, but wasn't sure where or how to work it into my slightly chaotic schedule as it was. Without Stella I had more free time and while downtown discovered purely by accident: Operation Come Home. Seeing the slogan "Helping to prevent homeless youth from becoming homeless adults" on their building, I knew immediately that this was where I wanted to volunteer. It's been a good experience and it's one of the things I wish I didn't have to leave behind here. This morning when I told one of the staff that I won't be volunteering anymore because I'm leaving for Calgary later this month, she jokingly replied with "That's not a good enough reason. I expect you to commute."
The last obstacle was my committing in January to stick around for another year after I told Jess about my frustrations and new plans. We had another talk last Tuesday about housing plans and I finally felt like I could genuinely consider moving away from here and I knew it had to be Calgary. It was an enjoyable city when I passed through and there are lots of jobs there ...and no bilingual barrier! Things have moved quickly since then. I have found several job prospects and already found a roommate who seems to be in the same place in her life as me and like a perfect fit. So I will be leaving Ottawa on the 18th of this month and starting all over again. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy my last two weeks here amid all the things I need to get done by then.
Someone recently posted this quote by Goethe and it is exactly what has happened in the last week since I made my decision to move to Calgary:

"The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now."

Oh, how things change...

I can't believe I haven't updated since October. I kind of forgot about maintaining this once life settled down into normalcy. And yet failed to recount the fabulousness that was my mom's visit. It was extremely chilly but we spent the whole week checking out the museums around Ottawa, which is something I hadn't done prior to that. We also took a tour of the Parliament and the one room you aren't allowed to take photos of was the coolest place on the whole tour: the library.

My Christmas back in Victoria was not nearly as fun as I had anticipated because I was sick the entire time I was home. I also discovered just how awful it is to travel at Christmas. Fourteen hours in transit while sick and on planes that are packed to the gills is not a pleasant day.

Things have started to shift rapidly since returning to Ottawa in January. I had a feeling things were going to head downhill at Stella Luna before I even returned because there had been an email sent out detailing the changes that were to take place. Very few of those changes were for the better.

Not only did things shift with the policies, but the dynamic changed as well. There were some very public and explosive situations that occurred which put the staff in its entirety on edge. Before I was able to bring those issues up with the boss, I got fired during a fit of her stressed-out irrationality. 

That truly threw a wrench in the works for me. I wasn't happy at work any longer, but I was expecting that I would be the one to initiate the break-off and in the meantime be able to look for something else. Despite having enough money to get by for a couple of months, I got impatient and frustrated and applied for a job at a call centre doing telephone interviews because I figured they would hire just about anybody. It is incredibly hard to find a job in Ottawa if you are not bilingual. You either need to settle for less than you expect or have tons of experience to get your foot in the door anywhere. Kelly Services even said there wasn't much they could do for me if I didn't: a) have government experience; b) speak French.

I am in week three at the telephone interviewer job and also set to start working a landscaping job tomorrow which I am now having major reservations about. The logistics of dealing with eating while outside all day and not being able to refrigerate nor heat any food I bring with me makes for things being awkward. The weather has taken a turn for the frigid again after last week's brilliant summer-like weather (20+ degrees and piles of snow melting in the parking lots, it was surreal but amazing). This also does not have me itching to be outside for 8-10 hours of the day.

As a result of a conversation with one of my roommates on Tuesday, I stopped feeling so guilty for wanting to leave Ottawa after deciding that I would in fact stay for another year. That being said, the plan is now to move to Calgary. So it would seem that my Great Canadian Adventure has yet another chapter to be embarked upon.

And for your listening pleasure, a fellow Victorian in Calgary:

Lessons Learned

It has been a crazy month with leaving and returning to Stella. I left thinking what I wanted was organization, which I felt Stella lacked, but it turns out feeling at home where I work (especially when so far from the only province I've ever called home) was more important. Flexibility and relationships are important. Everything is working out perfectly so that I can both enjoy the time while my mom is here visiting and actually come home for Christmas.

It's strange, too, how living without the majority of my 'things' for four months is not so hard. Mom had asked me what I wanted her to bring of mine when she visits. Initially, I thought I would have a hard time narrowing down the list, turns out the opposite was true: I could barely make one. I have managed for so long with what little I have and, for the most part, it's enough. My Buffy obsession needed to be satisfied though, and without that I would have gone mad with homesickness I'm sure.

Things I used to think I definitely did not want to part with, like my huge CD collection, I am okay without... at least now that I finally have access to the majority of it on my computer again. Movies and TV are just time wasters...granted, now I have cable, so time still gets wasted (and there's always the internet, too). However, there is less desire to 'collect' and that's probably because I'm actually doing something with myself other than being stuck in a city that I knew I wasn't meant to stay my whole life in. Much as I love Victoria, this is definitely what I needed to do.

Major Update, Part 2: Airport Beginnings

I went to the airport interview with mixed feelings and started my first day of Starbucks training with even bigger misgivings. Having been asked for feedback from Tammy the day before my leaving had caught me off guard. I had trouble figuring out how and where to start after feeling like the lines of communication had been closed down. After a lot of anguish the night before my last day, I decided on a letter only to end up having a very candid chat with Tammy after my final shift. We talked with ease about certain problems that had arisen for me, but we never touched upon the big issue. But it did make writing a letter easier, and make me wish even more that I wasn't leaving.

So, Monday morning I began my training expecting a very long day:10am to 6pm and then running to my French class which runs from 6pm until 9pm. The training itself was extremely boring, and I spent much of the day missing Stella Luna (despite its doors being closed as usual for a Monday). Starbucks wants to be North America's neighbourhood Italian coffee shop since they also believe they brought the latte to America; and, to me, it just all seemed so fake considering I'd just come from working at an authentic Italian neighbourhood cafe, complete with resident Roman. We also talked about Starbucks' ways of being and were given little cards describing these, two of which simply screamed to me Stella Luna: 'take care of yourself' and 'love what you do'. The longer I sat through all of this, the more I felt like I'd run away from home instead of quitting a job.

Tuesday was not much better, despite going down to Stella Luna between training sessions for the day (8:20am for airport Security Awareness Training and then 1pm to 9pm for Starbucks training). I had already made up my mind to ask to come back because when I left Tammy had told me I could always come back. But when I did come back, there were not one but two new people. One to replace me (which happened after I completed my last day) and one to replace Bridget who gave her notice around the time I actually left. I went back to Starbucks training, trying to suck it up and be engaged even though it was the last place I wanted to be. By this time, we'd already lost two of the four people meant to be in the full-time supervisory positions... and one of them surprisingly wasn't me.

A lot of what was said by the Starbucks manager (an HMS Host manager of several stores) made it all seem even more daunting. The Ottawa airport has been waiting for a Starbucks for four years and that it was going to be insanely busy in the first couple of weeks due to this built-up excitement. The store was barely staffed as it was and we were basically going to be asked to give up our lives to be there constantly in the meantime. Needless to say, really not my cup of tea. I was already feeling stressed and the store hadn't even opened. I like to care about where I work, but I also don't want it to be my entire life, not when it's Starbucks anyway.

I came home to an email from Tammy saying that if I was really so unhappy with Starbucks that I could take her part-time evening position she was still working to fill. I jumped at the chance, but tried to figure out what I was going to do to make up the difference to pay my bills fully (and to finish paying down my credit card debt).

Despite this new development, I still went to the training until I could work out the details with Tammy. She called during my third eight hour classroom only training shift asking me to come in the next day to train the girl who was my replacement and then begin my night shifts the following day. So, I had another day of training to endure and then, once again, running to French class before starting back at Stella at 8am the next morning. It was before my early morning Stella Luna shift that I emailed the HMS Host people to quit and ask where I should return the nametag, key card and security pass given to me.

Major Update, Part 1: Leaving Stella

So, it's been a while. And I never did get around to Bluesfest, and to be honest, I don't think I ever will at this point.

There's been a lot going on these past few weeks, and a lot that's changed, so I figured it was worth an update as it really has been a bit mind-boggling.

As some of you know, I had a little incident at Stella Luna which made me fear for my job security and felt it was better to get out before I was made to get out. Things fell into place quickly. I felt ill and went home early, and also hoping to begin job searching and was inspired by something I saw on TV which I wouldn't have seen otherwise if I'd lasted through my whole shift. I've thought working for an airline or in an airport would be really cool for years and what I saw reminded me of that. I found somewhere that was hiring and applied. I got an email the next day asking me for an interview. Thinking this was exactly what I wanted and needed, I set up the interview and figured I'd see what happened. Well, by the time the interview actually happened... everything was going much better at Stella Luna again. I had mixed feelings going into it, and wrote down my availability as if I weren't leaving Stella. The HMS Host people who interviewed me (they're the company that runs all of the little shops in the airport) said that they would rather have me for full time. They wanted an answer quickly, and feeling like this had all happened so quick the way Stella Luna had that it meant I was supposed to be there. So, impulsively I accepted and started filling out the paperwork (airports and unions require lots of forms it seems).

I went to the Stella Luna staff meeting that afternoon, not knowing how I was going to tell Tammy I was leaving. Despite everything that happened, I still liked her and I also just flat out hate giving my notice and quitting. It came out much easier than expected and thus began the two-week countdown to my departure.